


I'm Gonna Run (Like I'm Gonna Lose You)

by The_girl_of_the_fandoms_18



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Smut, Running Away, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27217489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_girl_of_the_fandoms_18/pseuds/The_girl_of_the_fandoms_18
Summary: Luke wishes the feeling in his chest would go away.But it won't, so Luke takes matters into his own hands.To bad he nearly breaks everyone around him while doing so.
Relationships: Ashton Irwin/Kaitlin "KayKay" Blaisdell, Calum Hood/Original Female Character(s), Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Crystal Leigh, Sierra Deaton/Luke Hemmings
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	I'm Gonna Run (Like I'm Gonna Lose You)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. I either need to get a life or find another couple to center these oneshot things around because I have written yet another Lashton fic!!!!
> 
> This idea is one I've had floating around in my head for a while now and it's loosely based around a pair of friends that went through a moment similar to the one in the story.
> 
> I tried my hardest to write something that was mental health related as its a big topic and hope I could do it some justice in this story.
> 
> As always, I love your feedback!
> 
> This thing is unedited as usual!
> 
> Enjoy!!!

Luke opens his eyes to dark skies and glimmering stars and he knows that something big is gonna happen today.

Something that’ll change the course of his life.

And he can’t fall back asleep, even when Sierra rolls over and buries her nose into the crook of his neck. And even thought Petunia shifts on the foot of their bed and lets out a snuffle-snore before her breathing falls back into a deep, steady rhythm; something is still keeping him awake.

So, as the sun begins to rise in two hours, Luke is still wide awake and staring at his ceiling.

He pulls himself away from his girlfriend and their warm bed in favor of getting up in search of coffee and something to eat.

The air is cool outside of the covers and Luke wishes he slept with a shirt on for the first time in a long time.

Or, maybe a winter coat but he has neither of those things right now.

He grabs a hoodie laying across the back of one the chairs in their room before opening the door and pulling the warm fabric over his head.

And as he pads tiredly from their room down to his kitchen, he wonders if this feeling he has is going to go away any time soon.

Because now it’s moved from the pit of his stomach and settled right beside his heart in his chest where its becoming heavier and heavier with each passing moment.

Luke ignores the feeling in favor of making a pot of coffee for himself and Sierra.

The scratch of claws on the hardwood floors rouse him from his thoughts when Petunia lumbers into the kitchen, head hung low in tiredness and her large feet dragging. 

Luke thinks she is the most adorable creature in the world right then.

And when he crutches down to scratch her behind her ears, he admits that she is one of the best things that ever happened to him.

Her large head buts against his chest when he finds her favorite spot and she lets out a sound similar to a purr.

“You want breakfast?” He asks the dog in a tone that any other person would call feminine and slowly stands back up to get her a bowl of dog food from the cupboard.

When the Petunia is fed and the coffee pot is finished brewing this first cup of liquid energy, Luke makes his way out the door and onto his balcony to watch the rest of the city wake up.

He hears the steady increase of car engines going down roads and he hears the birds begin to chirp in nearby tears. He hears the soft rustle of leaves as the wind tosses them lazily.

And he finally take a deep, shuddering breath of semi-fresh air.

And he lets his shoulders sag as the feeling in his chest begins to take over again.  
He knows that it’s his own mind playing tricks on him, that the feeling is all in his head.

But he can’t help but let it slowly consume him, every little piece of his mind one cell at a time, until all he feels in like the weight of the world is crushing him.

His breathing is coming out in heavy pants and he knows he should probably do something like wake Sierra so she can calm him down but Luke doesn’t want to disturb her.

So, he sits on his balcony at six in the morning and has a panic attack like non he’s ever had before.

———

The feeling is still there when Sierra slowly makes her way downstairs for the first time that day. She’s clad in a worn hoodie from Luke’s side of the closet and a pair of leggings that Luke can’t help but appreciate when she turns to bend over in front of the fridge.

He’s glad he’s at least stopped his panic attack by this point because he doesn’t want to worry her.

And he waits for her to join him on the balcony, her own coffee cup in hand and take a seat on the couch besides him.

And when she does, she leans into his side, seeking his body heat as he wraps his arm around her tightly.

“Morning…” her lips drag over the line of his jaw as she kisses his cheek with feather-soft lips.

Luke just smiles back at her before kissing the top of her head and pulling her impossibly closer.

When they are finally comfortable, Petunia waddles out the join them, falling with a heavy thump on the ground by their feet. Her head rests on her paws as she seems to watch the world wake up around them.

Luke can feel the heavy weight lighten in his chest for a bit while he holds his girl and they watch their city wake up together.

———

The world crashes around Luke when he gets on a Zoom call later with the guys and Ashton announces his solo project ideas.

Because he thinks that this is the feeling that’s been weighing him down all day.

Ashton going solo, while he has stated several times that he is NOT leaving the band, still worries Luke to no end.

Because Ashton never sings. He never plays guitar for others. And now he’s doing both of those things.

And Luke thinks that maybe Ashton will want more than to sit behind his drum kit and watch his bandmates play shows and hop around stage without him as he sits there playing his heart out.

So, when the call ends and Sierra leaves to go out with some friends for lunch, he breaks down and cries for the first time in a while.

——-

In the month or so since Ashton told them that he was releasing his first solo record.

A month of Luke’s panic attacks and a month of Sierra slowly growing more and more worried about him.

And Luke wants it all to stop. The pain, the tears, the hurt, and sudden feelings of loneliness that has settled permanently in his chest.

He really just wants to be able to look at Sierra agin and love her like he did. 

But now, every time he looks at her, he thinks about how much she isn’t a he. How her hair is too dark, her eyes too wide. Her voice too high. How she isn’t even a guy….

That’s the thing with Luke, he knows that when he loves, he loves with everything he has and he gets hurt.

But now, he’s loving the wrong person, at the wrong time, and most definitely the wrong place because now he and KayKay are closer than ever. And that stops him in his own tracks.

Because there is no way loving Ashton Irwin will end well for him.

And he knows that in the end, someone will get hurt, and he’s willing for it to be himself.

———

The first time the band is back together in the studio after the pandemic, Luke has to hide in the bathroom for twenty minutes while he tries to stop crying.

KayKay had come with Ashton, watching him from the couch outside the recording booth as the four of them recorded vocal tracks for their next song. She smiles brightly at him every time Ashton glance through the glass at her and a large grin creeps across his face.

And Luke tries the same thing with Sierra and all he gets in return is a soft, knowing smile and a small nod of approval.

Nearly six months ago, that would’ve been enough for Luke. It would have been enough to calm his racing heart and steady his nerves but now all it does is make him more agitated.

And the guys pick up on that energy almost instantaneously. 

Michael begins to quicken his fingers as they fly across the strings on his guitar and he misses a few notes where he shouldn’t. Calum gets agitated and begins breaking the strings on his bass more times than he can count because he’s not paying attention.

And Ashton breaks three sets of drumsticks in less than half an hour because he get aggressive with his hitting.

Luke feels like shit because he can’t get ahold of his own emotions and by the end of the first hour, he’s storming out of the room, leaving behind his band and their girls to calm down.

He comes back in half an hour later and wants to turn around and leave again because everyone is watching him now. With wide eyes because Luke Hemmings doesn’t look like himself. His eyes have dark rings of tiredness around them and his skin has lost most of its color. He look less like the happy, carefree man they all know and more like something straight out of ‘The Walking Dead.’

But Ashton looks more concerned than the rest. His hazel eyes shine with what Luke’s considered sadness and he wishes he could hide every single emotion he has ever felt.

So he grabs his guitar, slides a pair of headphones around his neck and walks over to the recording booth and locking himself behind the glass window.

Their producer just stares at him and he raises an eyebrow in response.

Their producer shrugs and instead opts to just record whatever he can with Luke now.

———

Three hours have passes since Luke went into the booth and he has not stopped to take a break since.

His fingers are beginning to ache from playing guitar for that long and his voice is getting scratchy from overuse but he refuses to stop now.

He needs to make this perfect, and as of now, it is no where near perfect. 

Luke can see the worry on everyone’s faces as they continue to watch him with wide eyes on the other side of the glass. He knows they are worried about him and he appreciates that they are worrying about him but at this point, he doesn’t’t want them to worry.

He doesn’t deserve their worry, or their pity, or their ability to care.

Luke, in the span of three hours, has grown to hate himself more than he ever has before.

Luke knows, that soon enough, he’ll break.

And he hopes he doesn’t take them all down with him.

———

Three weeks pass since his first recording session and Luke has spent every waking moment growing more and more hateful of himself.

When he makes the first cut in years, some of that pain fades away. 

By the time he makes the twentieth, the emotional pain has all but disappeared.

He covers the cuts up with a long sleeve shirt and doesn’t pull the sleeves up when he begins to over heat in the warm Los Angeles weather.

But the self hatred is still there, and Luke can see it every time he looks in a mirror, every time he hears his recorded part of their song back. He can hear in when Sierra begin to ask him if he’s okay before they fall asleep at night. 

And he hates himself more for it when he lies and tells her that everything is fine.

———

He asks her if she still loves him two days later.

She just lets her jaw drop open because ‘Of course I still love you Luke. How could I not?”

Luke just drops his head and doesn’t look at her when he replies.

“Because I don’t think I can love myself anymore.”

——

She moves out a week later and once again, Luke is trapped in his thoughts with nothing to stop them from invading his mind.

He knows they left off on good terms, Luke saying he still loves her but he thinks he needs a break for a bit. 

A break from her, a break from the band, and break from life.

So he takes off later one night without telling anyone when he left or why he was leaving.

Petunia lay spread across his backseat, head resting lazily again his duffle bag full of clothes as they reached the city limits and kept going.

———

He watches his phone light up several times the next few days, each a message from someone he cares about, each in a different part of the country.

And he never answers them.

But he stops and gets his hair cut and dyed on impulse, changing from his blond locks to an almost midnight black color.

And he hates himself more because Ashton keeps calling, more than the others.

Luke hates that he’s running, but he can’t help it when he presses his foot to the gas pedal and keeps driving.

———

When he comes to a stop for more than a day, he’s somewhere up north in the state of Wisconsin. He gave up driving when he nearly ran into a ditch somewhere twenty miles back.

Luke now sat in a small cafe, staring down at his order of bacon and eggs while some country song was playing in the background.

It somehow reminded him the he wishes he had Ashton here with him.

And Luke looks up towards the TV and he sees his own face staring back him with the words “Lead singer for Aussie rock band 5 Seconds of Summer declared missing.”

He ducks his head back down when a family of four enters the restaurant and takes the booth two spots behind him and begin chatting.

Luke turns them out until he hears the conversation shift to the news.

“Isn’t that the band you like so much Vic?” The older looking man must have pointed the TV above Luke’s head.

“Yeah…Luke Hemmings is his name.” A girl’s voice whispered in response. “He was declared missing on Tuesday morning by the LAPD.”

Luke heard the man scoff in a low voice. “Just another spoiled pop star then?”

“Vic” didn’t respond for a long moment and Luke bit his lips waiting for her to speak.

‘I highly doubt he is the type of person that is spoiled. He’s worked hard for everything he has. I just don’t get why he left it all.” Her voice was soft and mellow. 

“I think he’s just another pretty boy wannabe who got told something he didn’t like and now he’s throwing some kind of poster sized temper tantrum over it.” Another male voice cut in, this one from the table next to theirs. The guys sitting there had long since stopped talking in. Favor of listening to the family talk.

Luke dared to glance up at the two groups of people and almost wishes he hadn’t.

Because the guys were all standing now, angry glares focused on the TV opposite of Luke.

But they didn’t stay any longer, walking out the door after paying for their food and sending one last glare at the TV.

“Vic, I think their right.” The girl’s brother must’ve spoken up finally. “He’s just a pretty boy throwing a temper tantrum.”

The family began getting up to leave soon after that, having long finished their food and their conversation about Luke.

The chair in front of him scraped against the hard tiled floor and body dropped into it with a soft plop.

“You’re a long way from LA, aren’t you?” Her voice was almost teasing in manner but as soon she caught Luke’s eyes, her smile dropped. “What’s wrong?”

He just shook his head to try and stop the tears from spilling over the brim as he looked at her.

She reached out hand and rested it gently on his forearm and stared intently at him.

He blinked and the first tear fell.

Her eyes seemed to soften further, never leaving his face as she got up and sat in the chair next to hi. Her arms wrapped around his side and she hugged him tightly.

“Whatever it is, I hope it’s worth everything you’re running from,” Her words were kind, and even if Luke wanted to be mad at her, he couldn’t find in himself to be angry.

He wipes his eyes with the back of his sleeve and sniffles quietly.

Vic looks at him again before retracting her arms and slowly standing up.

“If I were you, I’d consider picking up for him next time he calls. I’ve seen Ashton’s name flash across your screen sixteen times since I sat down. Answer him Luke. It might change everything.”

She leaned forward to place a kiss to the crest of his forehead before turning and leaving the small cafe to her family who were waiting impatiently by their car.

When Luke went to go pay for the meal he didn’t eat, the waitress told him that his meal was already paid for. 

Luke knotted his brows together in confusion upon hearing her words until she handed him a folded piece of paper.

He took it and left to go to his car and his dog, both sitting bids the building in the shade.

When he clambered into his front seat, he shut the door and set the note down on the dash before turning and petting Petunia across her broad head.

She snuffled at him and watched him through tired eyes then laid her head back down on her paws and drifting off into a light slumber.

Luke turned back to face forward and slowly grabbed the paper with shaking fingers.

When he had finally managed to open it, he found neat, looping words in cursive 

“Luke, I know things seem impossible right now. I know, I’ve been there. But I don’t think running is the answer for you. Next time they call answer. Explain it to them so they understand. And if you ever need to chat, text this number. I’ll always talk if you need it. Xoxo, Vic”

Under the note, a number was written and Luke grabbed his phone and added the number to his contacts list before he lost it. 

He knew that he’d use it soon enough.

———

Luke really likes this town, the one where he met Vic so he decided to stay for a bit.

And by a bit, he means he’s still here after three weeks.

And he likes it enough that he has both a job and an apartment.

Luke has talked to Vic nearly a dozen times in those three weeks. The girl has a lot to say when Luke needs to hear them.

He is shocked more than anything to find her own wrist match his, lines with countless rows of red cuts. Some are new, others are faded white lines. 

Vic admits that she still cuts, that she always finds something sharp. But she tells him that he’s the reason she can sit here and try to do better. For herself, and for the people that care about her.

Even if those people are a bunch of assholes.

So Luke tells her about how he learned to hate himself again, how he lost his girlfriend because he doesn’t love her anymore, and he tells her how he’s fallen in love with Ashton.

It’s easy to tell her because she understands. She knows his heartbreak and she feels the heavy weight of self hatred. 

So, late on a Saturday night, she takes him out into the fields and they sit and Luke can see the stars for the first time.

They are beautiful.

———

He finally picks up the phone on the Monday after he and Vic went out stargazing.

She’s sitting next to him when he slides his finger across the screen to accept the call and she rest her head on his shoulder in a comforting way when he brings the device up to his ear.

And he nearly cry because Ashton lets out a broken sound, almost akin to a sob, and it sounds like he’s barely holding himself together.

And they sit there and listen to each others breathing for several minutes, each one just taking the other in until the silence is broken by Ashton’s shaky “Lukey” and Luke starts bawling.

Vic rubs comforting circles into the muscles of Luke’s shoulder as she sits there and waits for him to calm down.

“Ash….” Luke’s throat hurts by the time he speaks for the first time.

Its been almost an hour since he answered the phone and the only words they’ve said are each others names. 

Luke thinks that even though its not much to anyone else, its all he didn’t know he needed now.

“Where are you Lu?” Ash lets out a shaky breath as he talks and Luke can hear him shuffling around wherever he is.

Luke shakes his head as more tears threaten to fall and then Luke remembers that Ashton can’t see him.

“Needed to get away….Couldn’t take it anymore.” He whispered out in choked sobs.

Vic’s movements became softer as she lifted her head from Luke’s shoulder. Her blue eyes were wide and she titled her head in the direction of the door, silently asking him if he wanted her to leave.

Luke just wrapped his arm around her and tugged her back into his side.

“God Lu,’ Ashton let out another choked sob of his own before he continued. “Where’s away?”

Luke lets a small smile grace his lips. “Wisconsin.”

He heard Ashton stumble over something and Luke thinks it was maybe nothing and that his answer shocked Ashton.

But he hates himself for thinking it immediately and convinces himself it was an object of unimportance to Luke.

“Why Wisconsin?” Ashton asked in an out of breath voice as something shut heavy behind him and Luke could hear his feet slapping against the pavement as he rans outside, probably towards his car.\

“Need to find something.” Luke responded almost instantly.

There was a long pause of silence and Luke heard another slam and assumed Ashton had gotten into his car to go somewhere.

“Did you find it Lukey?” The distinct rumble of a car engine starting made Luke’s heart flutter.

“Yeah, I finally did.”

———

Turns out Ashton was driving to pick up Calum and Michael before Luke told them where he was. Vic sat there the entire time, rubbing soothing circles into his skin. She even let her hands fall to his forearm, which was now free of any fresh cuts.

Luke had stopped after they talked about their reasons for their marks. 

He realized that he could do better for himself. 

And not cutting was a start.

Ashton kept the phone call going until the three of them reached the airport.

They were flying out to get Luke and Petunia and bring them both home with them.

“I need you back Lukey,” were the last words Luke heard from Ashton before he hung up the phone to board the plane.

And in nearly nine hours, they would see each other for the first time in months, for the first time since Luke left them in LA.

Luke has never felt more nervous.

———

Luke and Vic slept on the couch in his apartment that night, waiting in silent agitation of the three people who would be arriving soon.

By three in the morning, Luke had worried himself to sleep finally and Vic made sure the coffee pot was set for the morning before she curled up on the opposite side of the couch and fell asleep too.

——

The hour leading up the guys arriving at Luke’s apartment were some of the longest moments of his life.

He was both excited to see his bandmates after not seeing them for alomst three months but he was also terrified at what they might think of him now. Now that they get to see what a mess he has become.

The knock on the door startles him out of his head and watches as Vic raises her eyebrow in silent question to answer the door for him.

Luke nods.

And when the door knob opens the door for the first time, Luke can’t see them but he knows they’re there. Because Ashton asks who she is and she responds by opening the door and telling them they can come in.

And when Luke sees Ashton round the corner for the first time, his whole world tips onto it’s side.

Because when Ashton’s eyes lock onto Luke who’s standing behind the kitchen island, he tears up and launches himself at the taller man from across the room, wrapping his arms tightly around Luke’s neck before the first tears even falls.

And Luke but can’t help but wrap his arms around Ashton’s waist and hold him close.

———

Luke introduces the guys to Vic and notices how Calum takes several moment longer than necessary looking her over.

Luke hasn’t had a chance to greet the other guys with hugs yet because Ashton hasn’t let him go. The arms that were around his neck are now wrapped around Luke’s waist protectively and he wishes they were there because Ashton Loved him too. Not because he was worried about Luke in a friendly way.

Vic fit in with them well given their circumstances upon meeting. She tells them that she’s a fan of their music and that she recognized Luke in the dinner one morning when her family. They all Hugh her tightly and it’s the first time Ashton lets go of Luke since he seen him.

After the basic introductions are made and Vic tells them how she found Luke, they all sit down at the kitchen counter and begin the long discussion of why Luke really left.

Luke tells them almost everything, only leaving the part out about this whole mess started the morning Ashton announced his solo project and that he fell in love with him sometime early on in their careers. 

And when they finish talking, it is well past midnight and they all need sleep.

Luke gives Michael his couch and Calum and Vic are set to share the extra room that houses two twin beds for the night. 

But Ashton, when Luke offer him Luke’s own bed for the night, insists they share so “no one is uncomfortable for the night.”

Luke has a hard time falling asleep that night too, but for a whole different reason this time.

———

When the sunlight hits Ashton’s curls the next morning, Luke has been awake for an hour already. But the body of his best friend draped over his own made it impossible for him to wiggle out of bed unnoticed.

So, Luke stayed under his friend and tried not let his brain get too far away from him with wild thoughts of tangled limbs and rumpled sheets.

Because Ashton is not in love with him.

Breakfast is already started when Ashton finally wakes up and they make their way to Luke’s kitchen in a sleepy shuffle of feet.

Petunia is sprawled across the carpet in the living room and Michael is laying half on the couch as he flicks through the channels on TV.

Vic and Calum are both busy in the kitchen, moving around each other with a grace and ease that Luke thinks only old married couples could have. Vic has eggs on the stove and Calum is dicing veggies on the island and pacing them to Vic as she mixes them in with the slow cooking whites.\

And when they enter the room fully, Ashton wraps his arm around Luke’s waist again and sits him down on one of the stools by the counter. He then leans over and wraps his arms around the taller boy when he stands behind him and rests his head on top of Luke’s.

Vic glances up them and raises a brow in question.

Luke raises his own back and she blushes before returning her attention to her eggs.

They listen to some muffled sounds from the TV for several long moments before Luke hears the news flick on.

“The search is still on for lead singer of the Australian band 5 Seconds of Summer’s Luke Hemmings. The twenty four year old man was declared missing by the LAPD after fellow bandmate Ashton Irwin reported not hearing from him for over a week. The twenty six year old drummer stated it was unusual for them to go longer than forty eight hours without interacting with one another before he decided to visit the singers’ place of residence; only to find both the singer and his dog missing from their home. Irwin also reported Hemmings car was gone along with several of his belongings. If anyone has any information regarding the whereabouts of this man, please inform the LAPD or your local police department as soon as you can….”

Luke froze in Ashton’s arms as he listens to the reporter talk about him.

Even now, months after he left, they were still looking for him.

Because Ashton was looking for him.

“Lukey,” Ashton said softly, slowly pulling his arms from around the taller man. “I was worried and you weren’t there. No one could find you and I’ve been so scared in my life.” Luke noted that Ashton’s voice was shaking as he tried his hardest not to let the tears fall down his cheeks. “And then when you wouldn’t answer your phone for anyone, I nearly lost it. Michael slept on my bedroom floor for nearly a week so I wouldn’t try anything stupid.”

Luke turned and noticed Ashton had taken several steps back away from him and where he sat.

His eyes were downcast and Luke thought he looked almost ashamed.

“Why were you so worried?” Luke knew what answer his brain craved, but he knew he wouldn’t hear it come from Ashton.

Ashton looked down and refused to meet Luke’s eyes as he shifted from foot to foot in agitation. His fingers knotted together behind his back and his shoulders tensed up.

“I think we should leave alone for a bit,” Vic pushed the other two boys to stand and exit through the front door of Luke’s apartment. 

Both men watched the others leave and both tensed more when the sound of the door shutting was the only thing they both heard throughout the apartment. 

They were alone and Luke hates that.

Because Ashton is clearly not comfortable with this situation and neither is Luke.

“Lukey…” Ashton started at the same time as Luke lets out a soft “Ash.”

They both let out small chuckles of laughter and Luke almost feels the weight of the situation slide off his shoulders for a few seconds.

Ashton’s eyes met his and Luke finally saw how tired the older man was. The rare around his eyes was ringed in dark circles. His cheeks had hollowed out considerably since the last time Luke had seen him and the once tan color of his was now a pale, sickly white. His eyes even seemed dead without their usual sparkle there.

Luke wondered why he hadn’t noticed this all before because now that he’s looking, like properly allowing himself to stare at one of his best friends, he can see all the pain laying across his features as plasm as day.

“You left. Without so much as a goodbye Luke,” Ashton sounded like someone had ripped his heart out and given it back to him in pieces. And Luke hopes he can fix it.

Luke at least tried to make himself look a little bit guilty about that.

“I needed to find something. And I didn’t….I couldn’t do that in LA Ash.” Luke felt tears brimming his eyes and he tried his hardest not to let one fall.

“Did you find what you needed to?” Ashton asked as he took a small step closer towards Luke.

Luke averted his gaze to somewhere that wasn’t Ashton and nodded. “Yeah. I found exactly what I needed.”

Ashton sighed and Luke hopes when he looks up again, Ashton will look like he’s in less pain than before.

And when he does look back at the man in front of him, they are much closer together, Ashton almost standing between Luke’s spread knees holding him up on the barstool.

Ashton flicks his eyes across Luke’s face and Luke wonders what he’s searching for.

He hopes Ashton finds it there, written on his face. Luke hopes Ashton can see how in love with him Luke is.

A hand came to rest on the counter next to Luke, Ashton effectively caging him in and leaving no where for Luke to run if this went badly.

“I broke up with KayKay,” Ashton’s voice was soft upon his admission. “She noticed that while I was still in love with her, there was someone I loved more than I ever was capable of loving her. So we talked, and she told me that she understands how much love can change people.” His brings his free hand up to the side side of Luke’s face and cups his cheek in his calloused palm. “She told me that while I loved her, I love you more. God, I love you Luke…”

Ashton doesn’t get to finish because a sob rips its way out of his chest and the tears in his hazel eyes spill over.

Luke just wraps an arm around Ashton’s neck and yanks him till their lips crash against one another in a salty kiss.

The hand resting on Luke’s cheek moves to bury itself in the dark locks of hair at the base of Luke’s neck and the kiss keepers slightly.

But before it can go any farther, Ashton is pulling back and wiping at the corners of his eyes with the back of his hand that isn’t buried in Luke’s hair.

“I’m sorry Luke. I’m sorry I took so long. I’m sorry you left and I’m sorry that I didn’t notice sooner,” The tears were brimming on Luke’s eyes now and he made no effort to stop them when they came too close to the surface.

‘I’m sorry I left like I did Ash. I just….I couldn’t deal with things in a healthy way, and I had to leave everything behind to find out why.” Luke confessed.

There were more tears and Luke swears there’s a growing puddle underneath them now.

“Just, as long as you’re okay. As long as you’re here now and you’re not gonna leave me again. ‘Cause I don’t think I’ll survive you leaving me again Lukey,” Ashton presses forward again to kiss Luke and he kisses back with the full force of his feelings.

“I promise Ash. No more running.” 

And maybe that was the first thing Luke was sure about in a long time.

———

The band decided that they all needed a much deserved break and after flying Crystal out from LA, the guys began their first official vacation.

Vic played their tour guide on occasion, showing them some historic sights and popular tourist spots but for the most part, they just wandered around places without a destination in mind., 

Calum got close to Vic the fastest and Luke thinks it might be because he likes her. Because Luke’s known Calum for a long time and he never acts the way he does when he’s around Vic.

Michael and Crystal seem happy, lost in their own bubble of love.

And well, Luke and Ashton are surviving. After their not so short makeup session in Luke’s kitchen, they had a long talk about what their feelings really were. Not only about each other but the band as well. And life.

Luke even showed Ashton his scars, which were all beginning to fade into thin white lines along his flesh.

Ashton had just kissed anywhere there was a mark and Luke had never felt more loved than in that moment.

Until Ashton slayed him down on his back on his bed and made love to him for the first time the next night.

The self hatred was still there, every time Luke looked in the mirror in his hallway, every time he did something that wasn’t perfect in his mind. Every time an inch of reason for self doubt crept in on him. 

But Ashton helped. He’d grab a hold of Luke sweating palms and kiss his cheek in comfort. And he did it all without question. Without Luke even needing to tell him to, without needing to ask for help.

But Luke supposes he asks for help in the way his eyes flick to Ashton, blue orbs wide and teary. He thinks he asks when he grips Ashton’s hand in his when they are all in a restaurant ordering dinner one night. He asks when his mouth quirks down in a slight frown when he overhears a few teenage girls gush over the lead actor in the movie they go to see while in a larger city near Luke’s apartment.

He asks in silence and Ashton always answers.

And Luke thinks that while they aren’t quite out of the woods yet, they could maybe get better one day.

That maybe, they can be better.

And Luke plans on sticking around to see those times.


End file.
